A Cautionary Tsingtao Tale

I both like and absolutely loathe Tsingtao. There only seems to be one or two varieties exported out of China, and in the picture above, it would be the one on the right. That one is fine. It’s okay. It’s not the greatest beer in the world, but depending on what you’re eating and what the occasion is, it does its job. The one on the left, however, I hate to the point where I’m actually afraid of it. Yes, I fear a beer. That one sports the characters 冰醇 bingchun. Basically, the one on the left claims to be Tsingtao Ice. Only, the word “ice” here doesn’t have the same connotation and higher alcohol content as when that word is slapped onto American beers and malt liquors.  It’s just 3.1%, which is average for Chinese mass market beer. Also,this variety of Tsingtao is never exported, as I have never seen it in America.

So why do I hate this particular Tsingtao so much? The answer is quite personal, and it involves a bit of body horror I have recently gone through. Currently both China and the rest of the world is dealing with the Covid-19 epidemic. It’s related to why I started this blog. Why write about travel on Real Changzhou or Real Jiangsu when the Chinese government has told everybody to stay home as much as possible? At the beginning of the outbreak, I used to buy Tsingtao Bingchun alot, but it was for this reason.

Local supermarkets sell it in “buy four, get two free” shrink wrapped bundles. This retails at 20 RMB. That’s pretty much a six pack for under four American dollars. Yes, I was being a cheapskate and trying to stretch my money. An epidemic was happening,and I was disaster buying and hoarding.  Once I started drinking it excessively, physical problems started presenting themselves. To be honest, this was linked to an extremely poor diet that included an over abundance of carbs, beans, vegetables like onions that produce gas in your body, and fatty meats like sausage, salami, and chorizo. When the Convid-19 outbreak broke, I really hadn’t planned for it. Who could? So, I was eating a lot of highly unhealthy food while drinking this terrible beer.

My stomach and intestines bloated to painful proportions. I felt like a balloon filled with hot gas. It was like if you pricked my skin with a needle, I would positively hiss and float away..Not really, I just wished that would happen. That would have been a relief.  A couple of days were spent on the sofa feeling absolutely miserable. I actually thought of calling a doctor, but when the rest of the country is dealing with a viral outbreak nobody had seen before, going to the hospital with complaints of a bloated stomach seemed like a embarrassing waste of valuable time and resources.

But hey I got to catch up on Star Trek: Discovery. That’s a good thing, right? .Anytime you binge a Star Trek program, you start to believe that the future of humanity has a higher purpose. That does bring some level of comfort. Yet, when I wasn’t watching TV, I was on my phone trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Self diagnosis via the Internet is always a bad idea. When you Google your symptoms, it always leads to the assumptions of things like cancer.This lead me to another profound truth: people who diagnose themselves with the Internet have fucking idiotic imbeciles as doctors. That became a depressing double whammy.So, there I was in China, reading gloomy news about how Covid-19 was skyrocketing in Hubei, and everyday brought reports of creeping infections in Jiangsu province. I had developed this crazy idea that something other than Covid-19 was going to kill me. Yet, it would be absurd to seek a doctor’s attention because the health care system was already taxed to its limit. Why add to that?

Into my second day of feeling like a human helium balloon,I started reading lists of foods that produce gas in the stomach. It was like a summary of everything in my fridge. Those lists basically also said soda and beer are no brainers. Those drinks are filled with bubbles. For Tsingtao Ice I deduced, it was also not only high levels of carbonation, but how alcohol could interact with certain foods.

So, no. I didn’t have cancer. I wasn’t going to die at that particular moment. All of this was self inflicted via poor dietary choices and drinking too much fizzy alcohol to psychologically cope with what was a truly frightening time. I threw the beer out, put on a surgical mask, went to the grocery store, and started buying some healthy vegetables. I drank more water, and the painful bloating went away two days later.

All of this is a cautionary tale, but it needs to be told, especially when you are starting a blog about alcohol. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a hard beverage, but too much of anything is always a bad thing. Besides, blaming the Covid-19 corona virus for your heavy drinking is beyond moronic. Trust me. I have been there.That being said, Tsingtao Bingchun (Ice), is an awful beer. It is over carbonated and tasteless. I will never, ever buy it again.

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